We’ve all been on the receiving end of the “It’s not you, it’s me” in ending a relationship. If you haven’t, you’re lucky because it’s kind of an ouchy way to say shove off. I mean, the end could just be a compatibility issue that he found before you did, but in that instance isn’t it kind of a good thing he called it off? I would hate to keep “working” on trying to save the Titanic when it’s already 3/4’s flooded, wouldn’t you? But sometimes, it really IS you that is the issue. The reason we all find relationships so painful and difficult at times is because they are perfect vehicles for living out negative feelings we’ve carried with us since childhood. As much as we may love our partners, we are conditioned to project our negative self-image and unresolved pain onto them. Our defenses, which we developed to deal with childhood pain and trauma, are not just a factor in how our relationships play out, but also influence our choices of whom to be in a relationship with. Nothing sucks the life out of the dynamics of a relationship faster than an imbalance of confidence. If you can’t feel good about yourself without a guy, then you can be darn sure this lack of confidence is going to suck the life right out of anything the two of you have. In a relationship, whether its a lover or even just a friend, when one person has to constantly affirm the other’s self-doubts it’s exhausting. No one is stable enough to act as a bottomless bank account of confidence for you. Sooner or later, if you are depositing too much of your self-doubt into a relationship, the partner/friend is going to grow resentful and end it. The best we can do in life, is help ourselves, because face it, no man defines who YOU are. Only you can do that, and until you have a solid and sturdy self who happens to like themselves, no relationship you’re in will reach it’s full potential.
Because as we move deeper into our relationships, it is common to begin to see partners as an extensions of us. We become bound together as a couple and an illusion of connection forms. As this happens, the quality of our relating to one another deteriorates. One problem with seeing our partners as extensions of ourselves is that it becomes much easier to be hypercritical of them in the same way we are hypercritical because of our own self doubts. If they do something that we think is embarrassing, for instance, WE feel ashamed. Seeing your partner as a reflection on you not only builds up resentment and pressure, it also kills your ability to see them realistically. Another problem is that in forming bonds we often lose sight of the other person as a separate individual and begin overstepping their boundaries. It is very important to recognize your partner as a separate person with their own thoughts and feelings. Acknowledging this person as their own separate entity can only strengthen the relationship for the better.
Fortunately, confidence is not something you are either born with or denied; with a little focus it’s a quality that’s available to all of us, and is never completely dependent on a romantic relationship or any relationship to flourish. If your relationships keep ending in pain, perhaps you should take a step back and examine your part in the pairing. If you find you just can’t live without a “we” maybe you need to define a very clear, mature and happy “I” first, because only then will a “we” be available to you. Well, at least, that’s my take on it and I’ve been known for a lot of self doubt and introspective speculation. But, take it for whatever it means to you, even if it’s not that much.
Hat: Baoba, Miss Paint
Hairs: Vanity Hair, Crazy Horse
Dress: Gizza, Picnic **NEW**
Jewelry: Zibska, Luli
Nails: Je Suis
Shoos: Diktator, Dare