20000L. It’s going to be an introspective high gravity Monday. I suppose I always get this way at the beginning of a relationship. Heck, even when not in a relationship, I am a quiet feck who does way more thinking than talking. I can’t explain it, it’s almost like I have no body, or I have this brain that watches the world each day as I move about in a disconnected body. Weird, right? Who knows, all I know is you can’t cure crazy. No, this isn’t about my date with Taylor after all; it’s the person whose-name-shall-not-be–uttered-here-zita who brings this darkness to me. Her soul pings off something buried deep within me. And I think I see in her face the markings of my own, we, like so many others, share a common pain, a grand unifier for those of us with too much detritus stuffed in our heads. You may know the type, a friend, relative, co-worker, perhaps yourself, who lives by one self-destructing act after another. There are many reasons why a person self-harms, but I think the recurring theme of the “why” is it translates the cerebral to the physical, in short, so we can feel alive. Living a life of numbness is a by-product of too much modernity. We are almost all stuck in this numbness, but the key is in how we deal with it because face it, feeling pain is intense and can feel almost divine at times, but ultimately it’s not unique and in reality, it just sucks. It’s after taste is hollow and acrid.
But where the person whose-name-shall-not-be–uttered-here-zita and I divide, she inflicts her pain on others, perhaps thinking sharing her inner turmoil will in some way alleviate the bitterness on her own tongue. And me, well I find a deep and cathartic release in writing my story, knowing it’s sometimes read and perhaps understood by the ears of others, making it/me live outside my small self in the hopes what I am saying might touch something inside just one other person, to make them feel normal and loved too. I mean really, that’s all we can hope for in life, to bring forth and uplift just one other person in the world. We are all odd, yet all normal at the same time. We have beauty within us and without of us and a unique quality that only we can bring to life. An infinite something that if we had not lived at all it would leave a hiccupping black hole in the universe around us, leaving the world just a little duller and darker, missing whatever it was we were to bring to this life.
Take from? Yeah even today. Even the person whose-name-shall-not-be–uttered-here-zita has some purpose or value in life. Even if it is just to remind us some words are better served to be words whispered to deaf ears. They can say it, but we don’t have to internalize and listen to the pain they are giving. My friend Tocksin ( http://tocksin.wordpress.com/ ) wrote something prolific today, he wrote, I read, and it uplifted me. Thank you, my Tock San: “dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.” I hope somewhere, somehow that one person out there in pain, needing something, anything, happens upon my blog today, because to me, you dear friend, mean the world.