Diary of a Mad Cao

Diary of a Mad CaoHair: Emo.tions, Noise . Earrings: Kunglers Extra, Anemona . Eye Shadow: Mons under Baiastice . Brows: Baiastice . Lips: Mons .

I oft wonder about people who keep a diary. I’ve never faithfully done so; I think I’ve always been a little too dark and morbid. When I was young I thought I would love to be one of those bravely intelligent introspective souls, but then in the tragic thoughts of a teen, I was more “Wuthering Heights” than “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” I had visions of dying and the diary I had secreted away in a hidden cranny of my closet would be discovered and it would become the albatross in the room at every family gathering. I still tried daily to scribble some me-ism in the book, I’d fill it with pages of things I thought my family would like to read, not what I really thought. So after a year of shielding my writing to put my thoughts in their best light, I let the practice die a slow and painful death. Having survived the teenage me, I sometimes wonder had I been honest in those writings, what would I find if I reread the passages today? Would I see the awkward, angst filled introvert in a new, wiser light? Probably so, I’ve definitely taken a more enlightened approach to that which is me. I reckon in a way I’d like to go back and meet that scared, quiet girl and tell her life isn’t typically Wuthering Heights and unless your Anne Frank no one but your moron brother is even remotely interested in your diary anyway but most important, don’t ever be afraid to feel.

Diary of a Mad Cao I just had to buy these pants, they are so Cao! Pants & Collar: Zibska, Hedwig Deux . Jacket: House of Fox, Imon .

The point? Well I’ve noticed that these days I am Post-it note diarist, writing my thoughts, affirmations, story ideas and even grocery lists on little post-it notes and sticking them everywhere. In fact, I recently went on a date with Jay and had a to-do list stuck firmly to my arse because I at some point must have sat on it. Luckily, he knows me well enough that he knows walking about sense isn’t my strong suit and he discreetly untagged me and folded it into his pocket. But dam, naw, never mind, even I can’t be embarrassed by me anymore. I did decide though, since I am about to have a small surgery in a few months, perhaps I should forgo the post-its for a little bit and write directly to journal. That way if things don’t go as smoothly as they should, they won’t be finding hidden tidbits of Cao-ism’s stuck to walls, mirrors and between cushions and pillows throughout my condo for the next 40 years.

08132013aTell me this hairs doesn’t rock it!

Take from? Yep, it’s here. A diary can play many roles. It can be a confidant, a vehicle of self-expression, a tool that facilitates clarity of thought, or a repository of dreams. A diary can also be a powerful source of comfort during a challenging or traumatic time in life. When you record those insights and incidents don’t worry that they will be read, because when it’s done, shouldn’t the history of you be as individual and unique as you truly are? Fill your story with your triumphs AND your downfalls. Your chapters should chronicle your confidence, surety, passion, and bravery but also your weakness, ugly thoughts, and shortfalls. After all, in the end, when you have nothing left to say, isn’t it the all-inclusive gritty, beautifully messy, life encompassing package in the entirety that made you the person so loved by the reader, not just your soft glittery parts? Just something to think about. Slurls are here: https://anchailinalainn.com/last-known-slurls

11 thoughts on “Diary of a Mad Cao

  1. The post it on the bum made me giggle. I have journals that I take around with me I tend to write lists, movies to watch, books to read ect. I find it hard to but my thoughts down on paper.

    1. it IS hard to put your thoughts on paper, because you have to be so brutally honest with yourself. But I think it can be pretty rewarding because later you can go back and see where you were at any point in your life. It’s funny to see how much you change over the years. (Not that I know, other than blogging is like a diary except everyone is up in your business) 😉 Thanks Zion!

  2. I love reading diaries and autobiographies. In fact, some of the most influential writing to impact the paradigm of my thought process, came from reading the unflinching autobiographical works of writers like Silvia Plath, Anais Nin, Gioconda Belli and countless other brave diarists. I find this type of prose endlessly intriguing…they not only give you a glimpse of a life lived but a timeline in history…that puts a different perspective on political and social milestones’\; usually sanitized by textbooks and media.
    Nice post and that hair does indeed rock! Interestingly (for me anyway) I once scored a vintage mohair sweater in the same harlequin pattern and color scheme (it even buttoned up the back with three quarter sleeves). I wore that sweater to death! <3<3

  3. You crack me up girl 🙂

    I also used to have a diary when I was in my teens. I wrote little pretentious, slightly romantic but mostly angst driven lines into it. Like you I was dishonest and wrote with the thought of someone finding it, should I decide to hurl myself off a cliff or out of a driving car. A dramatic exit was what I envisioned at the time, anything to cause a stir. I find it wildly embarrassing to look at now.

    But some years ago my mom let me read a stack of letters that I wrote to my parents while I was traveling through India and Asia for a few years. I was amazed that she had kept them all this time. It was a much truer window into my past and into little incidents and stories that I had long forgotten. How interesting to re-discover a yester-me that came out of the telling of real stories for real people. I very much cherished the opportunity to read those letters and feel what I was feeling, about them, about myself and about the warping of views through the distance of time. Sadly a few months later my mom decided to shred them. I wish she hadn’t. I would love to read them again and see what I think now.

    1. I am so saddened your mother did this! When I was reading in the beginning I was thinking you should do an “Eat, Pray,Love” turn on it and self-publish, I would have loved to have read it. I suppose you could start a new list of love letters to a friend and mail them to a friend or even to yourself. ❤ hehe and I love to think I wasn't the only one falling passionately to my demise at the top of the cliff. 😀

  4. I’ve never kept a diary, but I’ve always had what I call a “Thought” book, basically notebooks that I would store words of feelings, experiences, phrases, and things I’ve viewed all jumbled inside, that thought book was/is the foundation for my poetry, I will go into it and grab words, or relive experiences that at the time where either to painful or tragic to explore, and weave those into a poem. I keep pen and paper handy (I prefer to write rather than type) so I can immediately catch my thoughts before the wind takes them way, the fact that I have a terrible short term memory has nothing to do with it LOL. I still have thought books from when I was in elementary school, thanks to my mother who has kept everything from my first tooth, to my last report card.

    1. I wish I could write poetry and I love reading yours when it’s on your blog. That is a talent for writing! I’d get a notepad to write in but with my history I’d rn into walls or walk out into traffic. *head desk* Have a gorgeous weekend! xo

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