Wingin’ it free form today, so be patient with me. And I know, I know, looks like a typo in the title, but is it really? I was catching up on my friends FB comments yesterday and my friend Rico Mar ( http://csltm.wordpress.com/ ) asked about the brisk pace from birth to death of most Second Life relationships. As most of you know, much to the deep angst of my grandmotherly’s clock ticking mother, I’ve long suffered from a real life rather chronic disease known as “Relationship ADD.” Until recently, I’ve just never had the skill to focus on one guy long enough for it to be considered an actual relationship. Heck, I’ve been on so many blind dates at this point I kinda prefer to be out with the seeing eye dog. Unfortunately, it would take about 25 years of lying on a couch with a therapist to figure out why and we all know, in reality, it would actually take a life time for me, because the last time I found myself on said couch when the good doctor asked a question, I in turn, always the polite child, would answer with a question. You know the conversation, “and Cao, how did that make you feel?” after much deep reflective thought (trying to figure out what I wanted to eat for dinner) I’d answer, “well hmmm, Gee Dr. Brain, I don’t know. How would that make YOU feel?” At the end of the session, we agreed to back off from the restraining order’s and just agree to not appoint again. But I digress, back to Rico’s question, I have to admit, though I would never consider a cyber relationship, I do have to admit I have, at times poked fun at the swiftness of their demise. Don’t get me wrong, yes, I know, so many of you did find the “ONE” and have been together for years, but dimes to donuts, I’d say 97% of them are an epic fail. ‘ell, most seem to end about a month or so after the wedding ceremony. ‘Course that kinda makes sense, I’d reckon a month is probably about equivalent to a real world seven year itch, either that or equivalent to wearing wool pants with no knickers, those kind of relationships tend to chafe mighty hard. Kinda brings to mind that Wynonna Judd song “Is it Over Yet?” Looky there, a rare country music reference from a admitted hard-rocker girl. Even I don’t know where this chit comes from sometimes, I just know I’ve been on enough dates with that particular song a resonating ear worm playing over and over in my ‘ead. In fact, so much so, I get to card carrying use it in a blog post. But hang with me here, just a minute or so longer, because I did some watching and thinking.
And its going to go like this and don’t get me wrong, I know relationships end for a myriad of reasons and these are generalizations, or Cao-ism’s if you will, but I’ll just throw them up here as something to think about. The first and probably most significant lesson in a relationship is to seek clarity. Here you are making plans to meet, he agrees, and a couple days before he changes his promise and says he can’t make it. I’d bet the first reaction of most is to stew on it a second and a half and then to snap back at him (or her). Or, for those quick enough to seek clarification might say, “What do you mean you can’t meet me then?” Well, yeah, thats seeking clarity, but it’s kind of aggressive and accusatory, don’t you think? After a time, and missed opportunites are bound to happen often whilst straddling a real life with a second one, this could become one of those wool chafing kind of mood killers. If you’re worried they are cancelling because they are drifting away from you, because this is the behavior your last partner exhibited before they said adios, when you ask why they are cancelling, explain why knowing is important to you. Sometimes humbly seeking the answer is the most loving thing you can do for another person, because you are letting them know you trust them, you are just confused because at first they agreed.
The next two thoughts are more subtle but can be handled nicely together. Though it’s a little harder to do online, watch your partner as if the speakers on your computer don’t work. Sure it’s easy to hear the words coming out of someone’s mouth. We all have them, and most can use words quite effectively, but step back and listen to what’s NOT being said. I believe we are conditioned from early child to love people and things, so much so that to most of us we don’t even have to memorize that particular line of the play, it rolls off our tongues easier than our own names. But look into the little spaces of silence, it’s these subtle cues, the discrepancies between what is being said and what is actually being done, those little details are what clarify how the other person really thinks or feels. And switched to you, stand back and watch yourself in this drama. Sure, we get it, you two have so much in common, you get along great, but are you holding back, passing by opportunity’s to do nice little things for the person? Passing by them, not because you didn’t think about, more because you couldn’t be bothered right then? Your mouth maybe saying one thing, but subconsciously that inner goddess, she might not be as sold on this partner as your brain is so before you make that adrenaline rushing leap, perhaps you should slow down and save yourself a lot of future heartache. (Trust me, I know this one personally in real life).
The take from? Yep, long winded but it’s here. I think I just heard some “praise the Lords” and “Halleluiah’s” up in here, thats my Peep Sideshow and Draakje Dailey, I always hear a collective sigh from them when I ramble on into Word and Peace. But the take from is this. I hear a ton of it’s his/her fault and what he/she did to me’s, but face yourself, even you have to own up to your .0009% because never are these failings 100% someone else’s fault, even on those times when the other cheats (that would probably be the .0009% your fault scenario). Think about it this way, if relationships all had a 100% right to a 100% wrong proportion to them then there would be zero successful relationships. Just thought I’d throw these up here for what ever they’re worth to you, and who knows? If you “get” it perhaps the next time your relationship wont turn out to be a major relationgip ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Relationgip ) Ah, I know, it was a stretch for me too, but I hope it at least cured your insomnia.