Semantics of a Second Life Relationblip

Semantics of a Second Life RelationblipHair: Vanity Hair, Sunset Blvd . Earring: [Mandala], Nyorai .

Wingin’ it free form today, so be patient with me. And I know, I know, looks like a typo in the title, but is it really? I was catching up on my friends FB comments yesterday and my friend Rico Mar ( http://csltm.wordpress.com/ ) asked about the brisk pace from birth to death of most Second Life relationships. As most of you know, much to the deep angst of my grandmotherly’s clock ticking mother, I’ve long suffered from a real life rather chronic disease known as “Relationship ADD.” Until recently, I’ve just never had the skill to focus on one guy long enough for it to be considered an actual relationship. Heck, I’ve been on so many blind dates at this point I kinda prefer to be out with the seeing eye dog. Unfortunately, it would take about 25 years of lying on a couch with a therapist to figure out why and we all know, in reality, it would actually take a life time for me, because the last time I found myself on said couch when the good doctor asked a question, I in turn, always the polite child, would answer with a question. You know the conversation, “and Cao, how did that make you feel?” after much deep reflective thought (trying to figure out what I wanted to eat for dinner) I’d answer, “well hmmm, Gee Dr. Brain, I don’t know. How would that make YOU feel?” At the end of the session, we agreed to back off from the restraining order’s and just agree to not appoint again. But I digress, back to Rico’s question, I have to admit, though I would never consider a cyber relationship, I do have to admit I have, at times poked fun at the swiftness of their demise. Don’t get me wrong, yes, I know, so many of you did find the “ONE” and have been together for years, but dimes to donuts, I’d say 97% of them are an epic fail. ‘ell, most seem to end about a month or so after the wedding ceremony. ‘Course that kinda makes sense, I’d reckon a month is probably about equivalent to a real world seven year itch, either that or equivalent to wearing wool pants with no knickers, those kind of relationships tend to chafe mighty hard. Kinda brings to mind that Wynonna Judd song “Is it Over Yet?” Looky there, a rare country music reference from a admitted hard-rocker girl. Even I don’t know where this chit comes from sometimes, I just know I’ve been on enough dates with that particular song a resonating ear worm playing over and over in my ‘ead. In fact, so much so, I get to card carrying use it in a blog post. But hang with me here, just a minute or so longer, because I did some watching and thinking.

Semantics of a Second Life RelationblipOutfit: *LpD*, Chica Dress . Watch: [Mandala], Hokusai . Necklace: [Mandala], Onigiri .

And its going to go like this and don’t get me wrong, I know relationships end for a myriad of reasons and these are generalizations, or Cao-ism’s if you will, but I’ll just throw them up here as something to think about. The first and probably most significant lesson in a relationship is to seek clarity. Here you are making plans to meet, he agrees, and a couple days before he changes his promise and says he can’t make it. I’d bet the first reaction of most is to stew on it a second and a half and then to snap back at him (or her). Or, for those quick enough to seek clarification might say, “What do you mean you can’t meet me then?” Well, yeah, thats seeking clarity, but it’s kind of aggressive and accusatory, don’t you think? After a time, and missed opportunites are bound to happen often whilst straddling a real life with a second one, this could become one of those wool chafing kind of mood killers. If you’re worried they are cancelling because they are drifting away from you, because this is the behavior your last partner exhibited before they said adios, when you ask why they are cancelling, explain why knowing is important to you. Sometimes humbly seeking the answer is the most loving thing you can do for another person, because you are letting them know you trust them, you are just confused because at first they agreed.

2013Don’t for get to stop by November 23rd at 2:30PM SLT! ❤

The next two thoughts are more subtle but can be handled nicely together. Though it’s a little harder to do online, watch your partner as if the speakers on your computer don’t work. Sure it’s easy to hear the words coming out of someone’s mouth. We all have them, and most can use words quite effectively, but step back and listen to what’s NOT being said. I believe we are conditioned from early child to love people and things, so much so that to most of us we don’t even have to memorize that particular line of the play, it rolls off our tongues easier than our own names. But look into the little spaces of silence, it’s these subtle cues, the discrepancies between what is being said and what is actually being done, those little details are what clarify how the other person really thinks or feels. And switched to you, stand back and watch yourself in this drama. Sure, we get it, you two have so much in common, you get along great, but are you holding back, passing by opportunity’s to do nice little things for the person? Passing by them, not because you didn’t think about, more because you couldn’t be bothered right then? Your mouth maybe saying one thing, but subconsciously that inner goddess, she might not be as sold on this partner as your brain is so before you make that adrenaline rushing leap, perhaps you should slow down and save yourself a lot of future heartache. (Trust me, I know this one personally in real life).

The take from? Yep, long winded but it’s here. I think I just heard some “praise the Lords” and “Halleluiah’s” up in here, thats my Peep Sideshow and Draakje Dailey, I always hear a collective sigh from them when I ramble on into Word and Peace. But the take from is this. I hear a ton of it’s his/her fault and what he/she did to me’s, but face yourself, even you have to own up to your .0009% because never are these failings 100% someone else’s fault, even on those times when the other cheats (that would probably be the .0009% your fault scenario). Think about it this way, if relationships all had a 100% right to a 100% wrong proportion to them then there would be zero successful relationships. Just thought I’d throw these up here for what ever they’re worth to you, and who knows? If you “get” it perhaps the next time your relationship wont turn out to be a major relationgip ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Relationgip ) Ah, I know, it was a stretch for me too, but I hope it at least cured your insomnia.

20 thoughts on “Semantics of a Second Life Relationblip

  1. Interesting post. When I first joined SL one of my early businesses was a set honeymoon themed islands; one a forest, one a beach and another a seasonal themed island. They were popular at first but it was hard work trying to satisfy the demands of SL weddings and honeymooners. After a while and still being new to SL I was quite shocked to see the casual way that partnerships ended (after each couple declared undying love and commitment to each other) and the way that the same partners (usually the guys..) returned with another paramour to start the whole thing over again a short while after their previous ‘marriage’. One guy just changed his SL avatar but kept the same real life profile (like an idiot). His new girlfriend was totally smitten and I didn’t have the heart to tell her he was a total fake. So yes some people are lucky in love but in SL you need all your senses about you so caveat emptor or better still caveat amor.

  2. I’ve always been of the mind that the speed at which some people end SL relationships has a lot to do with the speed at which they get into them in the first place. I’ve met or seen so many that rush headlong into what they call love and are planning the wedding a week or two into dating someone. That’s not love, it’s infatuation and it fades as quickly as it comes. Once the shiny newness of infatuation wears off and you are left with seeing your partner in the mundane day to day that is life, these people who are “in love with being in love” think the spark has gone out of the relationship and are quick to call it quits.
    Real love takes time to unfold.

  3. lol ok, I’m back. Ironically, I was having a discussion about SL relationships with a friend on FB right after reading this. And I said this to him:

    “I honestly don’t believe there’s such a thing as a perfect relationship. The ones that appear to be often have a lot of rifts underlying them. What makes them perfect is that the people involved think the other one is worth putting up with and learning to accept one another’s faults…and loving them not in spite of them, but because of them”

    I believe the biggest problems with SL relationships – ‘ell, any relationships – is that people don’t “get” this. In SL it’s much easier to walk away since you don’t have to look your partner in the eye. Why work at it when there will always be another waiting in the wings?

    Instant coffee, instant soup, instant relationblip. I prefer mine to be slow-roasted, slow-cooked and slowly developed, nurtured and fed.

  4. Live and let live…I am the fortunate exception here after all…walking the walk and letting things be what they are. Everything starts with choice…relationships don’t fail because of where they take place…they fail because they are first failed by the people in them. There is always a choice how one will conduct themselves in every interaction…success lies in making the wisest personal choice; success being subject to very personal interpretation.

    I think the reason we so readily rush to judge the ephemeral nature of relationships in SL, or any virtual medium, is because we can see it quantified at a higher level than in our everyday First Life existence. We cannot say, without any real, peer-reviewed, scientific evidence that it is actually more frequent. Perception is highly personal…on one hand we say “Your world, your imagination” on the other we filter this unique virtual world through the bell jar of First Life experiences and parameters of acceptability; it is no wonder they are often at odds.

    In the end…it isn’t for me to agree or disagree with it…only to hold myself responsible for my own participation in each of my relationships…be it business, friends, family or love.

    Thanks for another high gravity, thoughtful post Cao ❤ ❤

  5. Great posting as always Cao. For me a relation in a virtual world, in what form it may be – friend or lover, holds the same value as in real life… But as It´s so hard to “read” people in virtual worlds I tend avoid relations (even friendships) more and more.

    I prefer to get to know people via their blogs instead. A blog is very revealing and often shows the bloggers personality quite clearly. As you Cao, with your beautyful soul @–>–>–

  6. Great post Cao! I’m in my second SL to RL relationship. Yeah I know, some may say “what? You didn’t learn your lesson the first time?” But I did learn quite a bit. He was a nice guy, but we just didn’t work out.

    I did take a break from SL for a while after that and by the time I came back I’d worked through some issues that the failed relationship allowed me to see and deal with for the first time in my life. That sounds pretty ominous, and honestly it was.

    Any relationship offers that gift if you ware ready and willing to accept it. It was not easy, but seeing where and how “my” percentage of responsibility played out was enlightening. When I returned to SL, I was a lot happier about myself and much more loving and accepting of myself and therefore of others as well. I was no longer seeking a relationship per se, I accepted that it may or may not happen in my life. I was there looking for ways to share ideas, stretch my wings, and have some fun in the process.

    That’s when I met my current partner. We had similar interests and began chatting. It progressed pretty quickly in the standard format, I’d find myself smiling when I’d see he’d logged in etc and so on, you all know how it plays out.

    Here’s where we did something a bit different though. As we hit the point where we were talking about the possibility of meeting we decided to make a commitment. Since we both seemed to want to take it to “RL” we decided to be handfasted in SL, in which we made a year long commitment to exclusively explore our relationship.

    We used that year to turn the pages of each other’s books, opening up to each other chapter by chapter. We were both honest about the good and the bad, the weaknesses and the strengths. We also during this time shared the nuts and bolts of RL. We spent a lot of time on the phone, we told friends and family about the relationship and we began to have some of the serious honest talks that people should have early on in relationships.

    And that was scary. We all have that feeling of “how can I tell them this about me”, what if they don’t want me anymore? But you need to tell them, it’s easier to hide these things in an online relationship but I don’t think it’s ever a good idea. I had to tell my potential partner, before we made any kind of commitment what my reality was. We talked about past marriages and other signifigant relationships, children, money, politics, religon, health, habbits, and any skeletons we may have hidden in our closets. It was terrifying to be that open with someone, but it was also very liberating.

    Now please don’t think I’m saying this should be done lightly. I would not be that revealing unless and until certain waypoints had already been reached. I don’t want to go into all the details of “how to be as safe as possible when dating online” as that info is already out there. It’s a good idea to take it to heart, and we both had safegaurds in place.

    We met in May of 2011 and have been together ever since. We are now engaged and very happy. I love what Sideshow said about loving someone not in spite of their faults, but because of them, and I’ve seen that play out in my relationship. Some of the things about myself that I see as a flaw, my partner finds beauty in and helps me see it too. What could be better than that, what more could I ask?

    Thanks Cao, your posts are always beautiful and thought provoking.

    1. second isn’t really that much, we were more discussing the habitual relationblippers. I am so happy you found someone so special in your life and I hope it continues to thrive. ❤ Thanks Nocshadue! xo

  7. WHOA! I recently wrote my longest blog post ever about SL relationships and then deleted it because I didn’t know if I should share it or not. I agree with your words and Ekaterina.

  8. I myself recently was on the very unhappy end of one of these, almost exactly as long as you mention in this post. We were together close to two years, then we got very loudly and splashily married – less than six weeks later, it was ended and not by me. I was completely cut off by the my beloved when they found someone else, and I realised that you never truly know what the other person feels, or if all the declarations of love that you make and get echoed back at you are worth the pixels they are typed upon. I came just one button away from ending my SL – I’m the same Anon that mentioned this in your Heathcliff post – until my friends managed to finally convince me that this person was truly not worth it. I will never do BIG LOVE again, and at this point I’m welcoming the onrush of bitterness as a shield.

    Wow, terrible comment. Basically Cao I’m saying I support everything you say here in this post, because I’m living it!

    1. yes Heathcliff, I have too and though I am not bitter, I am wiser. All I can say, is the pain does heal over time, leaving just a faint scar. It will soften to a lighter patina and you move away from it and move on. Be patient with yourself, focus on the real world and move up to greater happiness. Everyone deserves a love that is real, filled with trust and yours alone. Remember to many you are just one of many in this big world, but to one you will be the world. I’ll be cheering for you! ❤

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