Falling in love is one of the most enlivening experiences in life. I spoke of it a few blogs ago. It’s risky and addictive for sure, and for most of us it’s most blissful effects wear off too fast. But nature has given us this wonderful state of foolish, invincible, chemical-induced charm, and it reminds us that life is for the living, if we would just take the moment to breathe. More often than not though, we find ourselves falling out of love just as quickly. I mean it’s easy to figure out why, when you first meet you tend to be on your best behavior, open, loving, caring and fun to be with but no one can sustain that sort of behavior forever. It would be exhausting.
From personal experience, I know exactly when I begin to fall out of love. Right about the time I have either the fear for rejection, or the fear of engulfment. The rejection is usually on that particular day when he is withdrawn, probably for no reason other than work related stress, I always feel like I’ve done something wrong and no matter how much I know it’s not me, I can’t shake it. Do you ever feel this way? On the other spectrum I begin to fall out when I get this niggling feeling my partner is trying to control me. I’ve been there and done that relationship, so never again will I worship from that particular pew and that sort of narcissism is bound to have me running out the door so fast my head spins. Narcissism in a relationship emerges when you have not learned how to take responsibility for your own worth, happiness and safety and thankfully due to a new maturity and a great network of besty’s I’ve learned to love myself as much, if not more than, I love others.
Sadly, the more we argue and the more we react from our ego wounded self, the more out of touch we become with our own true self, our soul, and the soul of our partner. You fell in love with each other’s essence, not with each other’s ego, especially this wounded ego. In fact, most of us don’t like another person’s ego when it’s acting all irrational. Go figure. We learn to tolerate another person’s flaws, which is essential for a loving relationship, but what we like and love is that intangible self-soul found deep within the person. When it’s about ego, where once you felt deeply connected with your partner, now emotional and sexual disconnection may become the norm. Eventually you choose to either settle for a flat relationship or you move on, often cycling through the love to hate all over again with the next “love”. Because think about it, by the time most people hit splitsville, they actually hate each other because they can no longer see the inner self, the soul they fell in love with, they only see that control freak shrew we’ve spiraled down to.
How not to fall out of love? I kind of hinted at it in the second paragraph. The way to fall in love and stay in love with someone is to take your snarky ego off your partner and place it firmly on yourself. Learn to take personal responsibility for your own feelings; they are after all, yours. And only through inner bonding and loving yourself are you capable of loving another. Because you have to “have” love for self before you can bring that love to someone else. Plain and simple, without self-love we try to “get” love by controlling the behavior of others, when we already have love, we no longer depend on a partner to supply it, we give it to our self. I know, a little high gravity for Friday, but the holiday is over and I know how this holiday ends a lot of the time, disappointment sets in and faith and love waltz right out the door. Well, it’s a Friday, it must be date night, so I’m out of here. Heck, this date night I might even leave the spork at home. Apparently they frown on sporks in this establishment saying they inhibit true love from occurring. Geesh! Figures!