“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” ~James Thurber
I always seem to fall back into a space of suspension around this time of year. Spring has sprung, the days begin to feel heated and edged with the weight of the oncoming smothering effect of Florida’s humidity. When I walked Katy last night it was as if I’d gained five pounds of weighted air pushing down on my shoulders. We can find humor in the freezing temperatures of others in the winter, but only because it’s a little of what insulates us for the sweltering days ahead because when it arrives like a wall we see we are not as blessed with climate as we would like. Days so thick the ceiling fan labors to trudge it’s blades through it, the cicada’s give out one last shrill wheez before falling silent in to the good night. The hibiscus wrinkled and closed tight in the hopes to hold the days last vestige of dew to its very core.
A lot of Second Lifians count their “rezz” days as an integral part of their living virtually but mine comes and goes, unnoted, unmarked on the calendar, I’ve never celebrated a single one. March, my actual day is March 2008. I’ve dedicated six years of my life to Second Life, I try not to set to still and take stock of what I’ve “earned” from doing this, I’m afraid I will be appalled at the answers I find. But the true melancholia of my rez day always hits me now, on the weeks surrounding my real life birthday. Especially since I am a few past my roaring twenty’s. I used to think I’d have a new exciting career when I “grew up” but like most of the world, after graduation my economy tanked, I’m still here pushing and bullying statistical information around, writing on the off times, single as the day I was born, no dream of a child left within me and another birthday looming darkly on my horizon. Seems I’d just left the last one in the dust, but here it is again, a dark tinged cloud looming before me growing bigger every day. Heck, we are half the way to another Christmas in another month. Half the way. Wow.
We waste our youth wanting to be grown, then waste our grown wanting to be youth again. What is within us that we have such a hard time finding satisfaction in the here and now? Every time I feel this way, I remind myself to find my feet, to find where they are right now. Because when I find my feet I know I am not losing anything. I know that I am, in fact, gaining everything I never knew I’ve always had. That’s important, by opening my eyes seeing my feet I gain everything I never knew was always right here beside me, with me, within me. I have to consciously clean away the negative feelings because they are not for my greater good. I must embrace my fear of tomorrow and face it, accept it with arms wide because what is to be will be, no matter if I stick my head in the sand or not, so with clean heart and mind, a new uneducated, unjaded view of the world, with my eyes of a child I, once again, begin to declutter that which is weighing me down. Those relationships that no longer fill me with positive, those things, just things, clothes, shoos, bills, detritus and what-not’s of a bygone Cao, all the things that mark a life gone by because my life is to be lived before me, not behind me. Always right here and up ahead because in my heart, I believe, life is good. And dang it all, the grass is green on MY side, and I hope it is on your side too.