What’s so fascinating and frustrating and great about life is that you’re constantly starting over, all the time, and I love that. ~Billy Crystal
I stated last week that I was not going to blog daily anymore. Quite a few of those people close to me commented that they would believe it when they saw it. Heck, I half doubted it myself. After all, I’ve been known to say this a time or two in the past. But this time, it just felt different. Somehow it felt true and I’m not sure why. Well, I know a little bit of the why, it’s because I’m not happy. As each day has passed since my words refused to come, I’ve thought about life, first and second ones, and realized a lot of my unhappiness is caused by me. Me and only me. At first I couldn’t recall the last time I felt like this, but after too many days of introspection, that day is once again crystal clear and vivid. It was the day I asked myself what I was going to do, keep working like a drudge or get my arse back to school and finish my college education. Thankfully, education won out but here I sit, once again, feeling like a monotonous drudge. Is that what life is? We squander away the good parts of it until a mere husk of our vivaciousness remains? Do you know these moments a’tall? The moments when sleep is the good thing and being awake is the nightmare? I think quite a few of us do. I can’t think I am the only person alive who has said to themselves, “all I need to do is get up and breathe in and breathe out, but I have to make myself get up first.”
It’s just always bound to happen. We carry a lot of “stuff” with us, our jobs, relationships, significant others, insignificant others, checkout clerks who don’t say thank you after you just spent your last dollar of the week, barbed comments, veiled threats, middle fingers. How do we possibly exist with all this “baggage” that sticks to us like we are a magnet? The thing is, I know the answer, deep in my core, I truly do. I can be free in an unfree society, just as I can be blissful in a miserable world. There is not a person in this world who can deny me this happiness. Nobody is hindering me except myself. Nobody is creating a single obstacle. Don’t bother about the society and the world because the world will continue. Forms differ; the basic reality remains the same, the basic misery of man remains the same. Society will never come to any utopia. This word ‘utopia’ is very beautiful. The very word means: that which never comes. It is always coming but it never quite gets here; it’s always a promise but the goods are never delivered. And this will be so. It has been so. There is only one possibility: I can change.
The take from? Sure, today, I blog for me, for my change. No one is to blame for my unhappiness, not a sales clerk, an angry driver, a co-worker or foe, no one but me. Today, I choose I have no need to impress others by acting like I am someone I am not, this is too mentally exhausting. From now, I won’t cling tightly to others because I am insecure, or whine when I don’t get my way. I choose to listen with active ears because constantly interrupting is not only rude, it limits our knowledge of who people are and tells them we don’t care what they say, we only care about what we will say to what they say. Today, I will quit letting others control me with their criticizing and preaching, I can let them have their opinions, but they will let me have mine too, they are not short-comings, they are just differences, period. But most of all, today, I will stop dwelling and fearing. I refuse to dwell on the past and past mistakes. Regrets are for people who have failed, as long as I live on this Earth I have not failed, yet. Not as long as I face my fears. Choose to put them aside, today. Because the only thing I should ever fear is wasting a today. What if today I change? Would you?